


Breathe Air (You're Not Used To)

by msbittersweet



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Angst, M/M, Panic Attacks, Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-20
Updated: 2013-07-12
Packaged: 2017-12-15 15:04:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/850910
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/msbittersweet/pseuds/msbittersweet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Still, to this day, Kendall prefers to admire than to be admired. He likes sightseeing and photography and art and movies and Logan Mitchell.</p>
<p>Man, does he like Logan Mitchell.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So this is actually the first multi-chaptered story I've ever written, woo. It will be six chapters long, and each chapter will be updated about every 2-3 days.
> 
> Warning: there will be a scene describing a panic attack, and the chapter containing that scene will have a second warning just in case.
> 
> The title was taken from Ellie Goulding’s “I’ll Hold My Breath” which you should most definitely listen because it’s a great song.
> 
> Feedback is always appreciated~

Kendall doesn’t consider himself a fearless, golden leader or a hero or whatever other nonsense people seem to like calling him. It’s not that he can’t acknowledge his strengths, he just doesn’t think that putting himself on a pedestal is something he ought to do. He’s not a douche bag.

People, just people in general, put him there. He used to be just another random kid that liked playing hockey, he used to be normal. Nothing special. Then he grew older, to an age where people started noticing things, to an age where favoritism and popularity was no longer “forbidden”. Suddenly he was _someone,_ not just anyone. He was noticed and admired and sought after.

Thing is, Kendall never thought of himself the way other people did, still doesn’t. At first, back when all of this first started, back when Kendall was still at a tender age he’d had been scared shitless. He grew this huge weight on his shoulders, a weight so heavy he often crumbled under it. Because he couldn’t screw up, it just wasn’t something _he did_ , he wasn’t his _dad_ and he will never be him and he’ll grow up to be successful and happy and he’ll help others and and _and-_

After a while he got used to it, took some time, a couple of meltdowns, freak-outs and stress outs… but eventually he got used to it.

Still, to this day, Kendall prefers to admire than to be admired. He likes sightseeing and photography and art and movies and Logan Mitchell.

Man, does he like Logan Mitchell.

It’s weird, Kendall knows, for him to be so… ugh, so _fascinated_ by Logan. It’s just something, nope scratch that, _everything_ about Logan.

So many things that make Kendall lose sleep because, like the creep that he is, he sometimes stays up late staring at his ceiling thinking about all of these things (once he made a list, but that’s not the _point_ ). The point is, obviously, Logan’s Many Attributes (that was the name of the list but whatever).

Like the way he can be so arrogant without being a complete dick (usually). Or his weird obsession with Venus and math and books thicker than his head. That weird dance he does whenever he’s giddy enough. The way he stutters and laughs hysterically when he gets embarrassed. The way he smiles with dimples and says things like ‘according to my calculations’ with a straight face. The way he’s never had a problem with being ‘Kendall and Logan’, because Kendall is probably right in assuming that other people would be less than happy with having someone always stepping on their heels and breathing down their necks. Good thing Logan isn’t other people.

It’s always been this way, since the very first time Kendall saw Logan in third grade. In comes this new kid everyone is curious about on the first day of school, wearing round thick-rimmed glasses and a sweater vest neatly tucked into his khaki pants, raising his hand for every question with no hesitation.

Now Kendall’s here, in LA with his three brothers. Relaxing by the Palmswood pool, not even pretending to read his magazine because Logan’s all semi-naked and wet and stuff. _Ugh_.

Kendall’s interest in Logan might’ve changed a little from the innocent boy-crush he had when he was eight. Or _a lot_ , considering that now he wakes up sticky and embarrassed most mornings.

Kendall doesn’t like to think about it, but sometimes he can’t stop himself. Sometimes, he wakes up early on a Saturday when everyone is still asleep and Kendall has nothing to distract himself with.

He thinks about every touch, every smile, and every blush. About what exactly it all means. And as the door to his shared room opens and Logan comes out with bed hair and an oversized “Married To Science” shirt with his matching PJ bottoms and looks at Kendall with a soft, sleepy smile, Kendall always comes to the same conclusion.

He loves Logan.

Not just the simple kind of love, not the casual carefree kind of love that a boy his age should be enjoying. It’s the kind of love so deeply rooted into him that he breathes it. A delicious burn in his lungs. He can’t imagine living a day without Logan, without seeing him as soon as he wakes up, or forcing him to help with the science homework, or roping him along to some crazy scheme.

But it’s fine. Whatever.

Kendall decided a long time ago to keep it to himself. There’s no reason for him to go around causing drama and a mess.

He has lived this long without saying anything, and he will continue to do so.

Because he can.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A familiar weight presses against Kendall’s chest, but he refuses to acknowledge it. It’s been a very long time since he last felt it.
> 
> This will not happen to him, not again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A character will suffer from a panic attack in this chapter, for those of you who’re not comfortable with that.
> 
> Okay, so I’ve never had a panic attack or anything like it, and I don’t know anyone who has. I based everything on my mad internet-based researching skills. So, keeping that in mind, there are probably going to be some things that don’t exactly sit right. If you notice anything weird, please let me know so I can fix it.
> 
> On that note, enjoy~

A familiar weight presses against Kendall’s chest, but he refuses to acknowledge it. It’s been a very long time since he last felt it.

This will not happen to him, not again.

“Hey, you ready to go?”

Kendall looks up from his clenched hands, and the peaceful thoughts he’d been concentrating on burst. Kendall flinches as all the racket hits him. Logan and Carlos are fighting and Katie is yelling at them to be careful with her bacon and his mom breaks a dish, shouting before she successfully cuts off a curse. All in all, it’s a standard morning for 2J.

“Are you okay?”

Kendall turns to James, who’s looking at him with concern. What is he supposed to be ready for again?

“Kendall?”

Oh yeah, they were just about to head out to Rocque Records.

“Right, yeah, I’m ready.”

“Okay…”

Kendall gets up from the couch and out the door, ignoring James’s worried gaze. He thinks better about taking the elevator and instead opts for the stairs.

Once he reaches the lobby he sits down on one of the free chairs and waits for the others to arrive.

“Hey! Wait for us, dude!”

Carlos comes barreling in, nearly knocking over one of the tables. Kendall smiles fondly.

“I wasn’t going anywhere without you, Carlos.”

Carlos practically beams at him.

“Good.”

Once James and Logan are ready, they all pile into the car waiting to take them to Rocque Records.

Kendall hopes Gustavo doesn’t have anything too tiring planned for them today. The pressure on his chest isn’t going away and Kendall is starting to worry.

-

No such luck, it seems.

Gustavo has had them doing harmonies for two hours straight now, ‘something to pass the time with while I finish the next greatest song of all times, now  chop chop, _dogs_ ’.

Kendall has been forced to take three breaks already because he thought he’d puke, he snapped at James and broke his mirror and he just can’t _keep still_. Everyone is looking at him weirdly. Kendall is about to ask for a lunch break despite it being about ten in the morning when Gustavo comes in.

“Okay, dogs! Time to record an _amazing_ song with an _amazing_ producer. Move out!”

They’re pushed and hustled into the recording booth and given the lyric sheets and Kendall starts to freak out a little. Because the booth is _so small_ and there’s four of them and no way can they all fit in there. No way.

Kendall immediately turns around and heads for the door, planning on leaving, but Gustavo closes it and freaking locks it. He narrows his eyes at Kendall before announcing that there will be no breaks, period.

Kendall is pretty sure that’s illegal but he can’t say anything because his chest hurts and aches and he’s afraid _it_ will happen again.

Music fills the booth and Carlos has the first verse and Kendall’s body is tingling and trembling.

He’s pressed against one side of the booth, squished close to Carlos because _there’s not enough space._ Kendall can’t quite breathe anymore.

James is belting out the word girl while Logan leans into the microphone and he looks up at Kendall, with big brown eyes and long eyelashes and full lips and a quirky smile tugging at his lips and the dust particles shine with the light and surround Logan’s face _and_... Kendall clutches at his chest with both hands, willing his heart to _slow down just please slow down._ He crumbles to his knees and leans against the wall, gasping and panting.

Kendall vaguely hears the music stop.

He can’t breathe, he can’t breathe, _fuck_.

He feels hands on him, grabbing him and asking him what’s wrong but he can’t speak. He needs space and air, _Christ is he going to die?_ He feels someone lift him up and carry him before he’s placed on a couch. He doesn’t want to open his eyes.

“I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. Oh god, take me out I need air, it hurts. Why does it hurt? I think I need help.”

He’s babbling and talking nonsense but he can’t stop, and it’s weird because a few seconds ago he didn’t have a voice. He can’t feel his fingers and he thinks he might throw up but he doesn’t want to move, but he needs to because he can’t breathe and he needs to stop this but he forgot how to and it’s happened before but not for a long time and he needs his mom and-

He’s pulled upright into a seating position. Kendall feels himself jolt a little into focus because he thinks he recognizes those hands, but everything is still blurry around the edges and maybe he’ll pass out. Kendall’s crying and maybe that’s why he feels like drowning, _shit he’s drowning_.

It’s Logan, Logan is here and Logan grabs his face with both hands and holds him still. It feels like the whole room shrank down to only them but it doesn’t feel so small anymore. Logan leans in close and Kendall can’t look at anything else but his eyes and he hears talking and Logan just keeps looking straight at him, but Kendall’s shaking now, and he’s so scared.

“Kendall. Kendall. Take a deep breath in, breathe in, Kendall. Look at me and breathe in.”

Kendall does what Logan told him to, because it sounds like he’s trying to help and Kendall needs help, _so much_ help.

“Now breathe out, Kendall, breathe out slowly, keep breathing out.”

Kendall lets the air out and he can’t stop looking into deep brown because it’s so beautiful.

“Now breathe in again, Kendall. Slowly, count to 4, now hold it. Let the air out. Again. Kendall, don’t stop.”

It’s a good while of that, of Logan calmly and quietly talking Kendall into breathing. Then Logan tells him to count, ‘Count with me, Kendall, come one, let’s count to thirty’, and he’s not sure why but he stops thinking _I’m afraid, what’s happening, why now why does it hurt so much?_ and concentrates on _ten eleven twelve thirteen fourteen._

A familiar phrase jumps to his mind, one he knows by heart and used to whisper it to himself almost regularly, ‘I am having a panic attack. I feel awful but nothing bad can happen. I know what to do. I can control this. It will pass.’

Kendall stops trembling and the pressure on his chest lightens. He’s pretty sure he’s fine now, but he wants to stay this way for a little longer. Everything is so quiet and still.

“Kendall?”

Carlos sounds hesitant and quiet and Kendall is reminded of all the panic attacks he used to get when he was little, fragile and easily broken. How James would start yelling and running to the first adult that he saw and Carlos would grab his hand and start crying and how his mom would come and tell him to breathe and that she loved him and did he forget his medicine this morning?

But that was a long time ago, before Kendall learned to control it, before Logan had moved to Minnesota. He looks into warm eyes and doesn’t want to think about why it happened now, again.

He’s fine, now. He shoots Carlos a shaky smile to try to reassure him. But in doing so he takes a quick cursory glance at the whole room, at the group of people looking freaked out and pale and worried.

Yeah, he’s fine but so incredibly _humiliated_ and _embarrassed_ and _ashamed_ he thinks about faking a faint to get out of this situation. Before he can go through with it, though, he’s being tackled.

“Kendall, you scared the _shit_ out of me. You said this wouldn’t happen again, you _promised_.”

Carlos is crying now, and wiping his tears on Kendall’s neck. He feels awful, he feels like trash, because he _did_ promise this wouldn’t happen ever again. He remembers how scared James and Carlos were, how many times he made them think they wouldn’t see him anymore.

Kendall hugs Carlos back fiercely, and apologizes. He can’t believe he did this to them again.

“Come one, Carlos. Get off of him.”

James huffs out as he pulls Carlos up and off of Kendall. And Kendall wants to get up and look at James and tell him that he’s fine and he’s sorry. But he is so _tired,_ he feels like all the energy was drained out of him and he wants to rest.

He can hear people talking, but he can’t be sure who is or about what or if they’re talking to him. His vision gets blurry and his eyes water, as if he’d been playing video games for a little too long. Kendall can tell he’s going to fall asleep, and he tries to hold it off, to stay awake but his eyes close and he slumps over. The noise gets louder before it fades away.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kendall doesn’t wakes up to his room, which means that someone called his mom and she took care of it. Of him.
> 
> (Because now he’s someone that needs taking care of apparently, he’s no different from his pathetic 6 year old self. Fuck.)

 

Kendall doesn’t wakes up to his room, which means that someone called his mom and she took care of it. Of him.

(Because now he’s someone that needs taking care of apparently, he’s no different from his pathetic 6 year old self. _Fuck_.)

Kendall wishes he could just lock the door, crawl into bed and wither away without ever having to show his face again. He doesn’t want to deal with the aftermath. The way everyone will start treating him, how they’ll change around him.

Carlos will treat him with extra _caution_ , afraid that one touch will break Kendall. He’ll offer chicken soup and candy, because Carlos is under the firm believe that those two things combined can cure anything and everything. He’ll be Kendall’s freaking bodyguard for about two weeks before he stops being so afraid for Kendall.

And Kendall will let Carlos do all that.

James, though, Kendall isn’t sure about. James could de angry at Kendall for doing this to him again and making Carlos cry. Or he could be waiting for Kendall with a pie that he’ll inevitably finish himself. Most probably though Kendall thinks James is probably trying to cheer Katie up, who’s refusing to show that she possibly got, maybe just a little, scared.

And then there’s Logan. Logan who witnessed Kendall at his worst for the first time, Logan who had no idea that this used to happen a lot before he was even in the picture, Logan who calmed him down and out of the mess he’d become.

Kendall slowly turns to be face down on the bed, positions his face against his pillow and screams to his heart’s content. He’s alone in the room, so there’s no need for any shame in bearing resemblance to a frustrated pre-teen girl.

“Ahem.”

Only there is need, a lot of need because apparently he has not been alone this whole time. Logan is sitting in the desk chair that’s been moved to the foot of Kendall’s bed and Kendall feels his face heat up in what is hopefully not a noticeable blush of embarrassment.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Logan gives Kendall this dimpled apologetic smile that makes Kendall feel heavy, and shit, because now Kendall vaguely remembers _why_ he had his break down. All the looks and friendly touches and dimpled crooked grins and pocket calculators and songs sung squished in a tiny booth had caught up to Kendall.

And how _fucking pathetic_ can Kendall get? Really? Having a panic attack over an unrequited love?

Kendall’s been looking up at the ceiling in misery because the little strip of light that got through the closed window offering blurry illumination makes Logan’s eyes shine a light brown and he knows this because he’s memorized every detail that there is to Logan and what is he supposed to do now that Logan has seen him at his worst?

“Kendall?”

Kendall snaps out of it and jumps a little when he notices that Logan is standing right next to him, holding a glass of water on one hand and aspirins on the other. It’s not until that moment that Kendall realizes his head is throbbing painfully.

Kendall twitches a smile at Logan and downs the pills and the whole glass before he settles himself back into his bed.

“Thanks.”

“No problem. Let me get you some more water.”

Kendall watches as Logan leaves and he feels wetness gather in his eyes because he’s still pretty tired and emotional and when Logan comes back Kendall will have to explain and he doesn’t know what to say.

Logan comes back sooner than Kendall expected and he hastily wipes at his eyes in a futile attempt to hide the fact that he’d been close to crying.

He hears more than sees Logan place the glass of water in the little desk next to his bed. The bed dips as Logan sits down next to him. Kendall automatically scooches over to make space for Logan, the rustling of the bed sheets sounding so loud in the silence blanketing the room.

As soon as Logan wraps an arm around his shoulder Kendall breaks. He leans into Logan, resting his head on Logan’s chest and wrapping both arms around Logan’s midsection. Holding him so tightly that veins pop out. Logan doesn’t say anything for a while, just squeezes him back.

“You okay, buddy?” Logan finally breaks the silence, talking with his lips pressed against Kendall’s head.

Kendall keeps quiet, though, because he knows his voice will crack if he tries to talk right now. Logan rubs deep circles into his back for a while before speaking again.

“I spoke with your mom. She didn’t want to tell me much, said you should be the one to tell me, but from what I gathered, this isn’t the first time you have a serious panic attack.”

Kendall tenses up and keeps his mouth shut. He won’t talk unless asked a direct question, unless it’s absolutely necessary.

“Kendall?”

Well, it’s not a _direct_ question…

“Has this happened before?”

“…Yes.”

Kendall lets his answer echo inside the room, it’s obvious that Logan expects him to explain but Kendall is having a hard time finding the right words. It takes some time but Kendall finally clears his throat and tenses at the way Logan’s hand stops rubbing his back.

“When I was younger, before you moved to Minnesota, I used to have a lot of panic attacks. It became a problem, they were getting worse and more frequent and so mom took me to see a doctor. They said it was because of the stress and all that stuff, that I was too nervous for a kid my age. Suggested I take up a sport to relieve some of the pent up stress, didn’t really help but that was how I discovered hockey. Anyways, after a while, I got better at controlling them and they just stopped happening.”

He feels boneless, slumped over Logan, and his throat’s gone dry but he keeps talking because he thinks Logan expects more though he can never be sure.

“Carlos and James know about them, they used to see me like… that all the time but I guess they didn’t see this one coming. Katie doesn’t really remember them, she was too young back then. Are they okay?”

“They’re fine. Katie is a little worried but James is taking care of that, and I’ve already hid all the corndogs from Carlos before he chokes on one of them. You know how he gets with food when he’s nervous. Stress eater.”

Kendall whispers a dry, flat laugh. He caused that. He made everyone worry over something so _dumb_.

“Don’t blame yourself, Kendall. Let us worry for you this once, yeah?”

Easier said than done but… Kendall nods against Logan’s chest. He’s tired, really tired, and maybe it’s time to rest for a bit. Everyone has their limits and this is Kendall’s. No point in crossing it and self-destructing.

“Yeah, okay.”

Kendall breathes in deeply, breathes in the comfort and warmth that’s always been associated with Logan, and sits up. Although he wishes he could stay like this forever, holding onto Logan so desperately and easily being able to blame it on exhaustion or confusion or whatever, there’s still things he needs to take care of. He looks at Logan and smiles.

“I’m fine. I… I don’t know why that happened, but I’m fine now.”

Logan smiles back at him, and lets him know with one look that he won’t push but that he can see the blatant lie in Kendall’s statement.

He stands up and offers his hand to Kendall. Kendall takes it and pushes himself off the bed. His legs buckle from underuse and Kendall wonders how much he actually slept. Logan helps him steady himself with a warm hand on his back and an encouraging tilt of his mouth.

Kendall leans on Logan and doesn’t bother trying to stand on his own.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The one where Kendall gets advice.

“Would you like another corn dog, Kendall?”

No, Kendall _would not_ like another corndog because Kendall is right about ready to explode. Still, he takes the corndog with a crudely drawn happy face in mustard from Carlos. He’s been handing Kendall plate after plate of tater of all his favorite dishes and Kendall refuses to refuse Carlos anything.

Kendall will have to talk to Carlos eventually, he knows this, he’ll have to sit Carlos down and explain and make the feeding _stop_.

He’s already talked with Katie. Or well, Katie has talked to _him._ Kendall had taken her to the ice cream shop just across the Palmswood, to ease into the conversation, except she’d ended up paying for the ice cream and assuring _him_ that everything was fine. Kendall had just stood there, and dumbly watched as Katie patted him in the shoulder, said “Don’t worry Big Brother, I’m here for you” and walked away, happily eating at her ice cream.

James had actually almost broken Kendall. There was no anger, no fight, no accusations, nothing of the sort. But James had pulled Kendall in for a hug, and James doesn’t do hugs half-assed. It’d knocked the air straight out of Kendall, leaving him limp and _needing_. Needing all the comfort and warmth James was offering, sucking it in like a freaking leech. And they’d stayed there for a while, Kendall leaning on James and James easily taking his weight.

In that moment, Kendall had wanted desperately to tell James. To unload his burden and let James share it with him. But he couldn’t do that. He couldn’t have James worrying about it and stressing out over how to fix it.

Kendall admits that he’s stalled with Carlos, but Kendall has a weak spot when it comes to him. Carlos and his puppy eyes and his childishness and his crazy antics that scare the crap out of Kendall. Carlos who always has his mouth stuffed full with food, Carlos who cries with every movie, Carlos who asks Kendall if he can sleep with him because James told him a scary story before bed time. Carlos who curses viciously when he stubs a toe and who makes stupid dirty jokes all the time.

Just thinking about what to say is making Kendall sweat. But Kendall’s never been good at hesitating, or well, he is, very good actually. He hesitates a lot. But that’s not the point. The point is that Kendall will just come out and say it, quick and painless. Like a Band-Aid.

“Hey Carlos.”

Carlos turns to look at him, a tub of ice cream and a spoon in his hands, and the whole adorableness of it makes Kendall want to cry. Like a fucking Band-Aid, Knight.

“Can you sit down for a sec. I need to talk to you about something.”

Carlos stops and looks at him and Kendall is reminded that Carlos is not slow nor stupid and Carlos has probably been waiting for this, too, but like Kendall, Carlos isn’t very fond of confrontations and deep talks about uncomfortable things. All those puppy eyes and cute comments and food were probably strategically placed.

Carlos sits down next to Kendall and fidgets with the ice cream.

“Yes, Kendall?”

Kendall clears his throat and forces on.

“Well, Carlos… I know that I haven’t had a, um, a panic attack in a long time. I really wasn’t expecting this one. But, you see, I’m fine. It’s all fine. I’m better now and you can stop giving me food and go back to canon-balling into the pool.”

Kendall finishes off with a nervous chuckle, expecting Carlos to agree, maybe go in for a hug before bouncing away. But Carlos jumps up from the couch, and he’s red in the face and he looks mad but it’s hard to tell because Carlos never _really_ gets mad.

“You’re wrong, Kendall. You’re _not_ fine, everything’s _not_ okay. You had a fucking panic attack and you fainted and you want be to think you’re okay?”

Kendall just sits there stupidly, because Carlos doesn’t curse and Carlos doesn’t yell and Carlos doesn’t spit out the brutal truth. Carlos keeps talking, keeps waving his arms around and getting more worked up and Kendall doesn’t want to listen to this.

“Something’s wrong, something’s bothering you and you’re just pushing it down and if you keep that up you’ll have _another_ attack. If you don’t want to tell me what’s wrong, you don’t have to, but you need to do something about it. Kendall, _do something_ about it.”

For one terrifying moment, Kendall thinks that Carlos _knows_.

Then it’s gone, replaced with burning shame and guilt, because he’s pushed Carlos so far, and he’s probably been pushing everyone too far. All because he’s too scared. All because he won’t do something.

Carlos is right, but Kendall doesn’t think he can do it.

Suddenly, the tension in the room disappears as Carlos slips next to Kendall on the couch and wraps himself around Kendall.

Kendall laughs and hugs Carlos back because this is so ridiculous.

“No, Carlos, it’s okay. You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Carlos just shakes his head, loosens his arms around Kendall before putting some space between them. He looks at Kendall right in the eye and Kendall has to fight the urge to fidget.

“I meant it though, you can talk to me. I can try to help.”

Kendall smiles, and he’s sure it must look like a sad smile because he hurts, but he’s not going to lie to Carlos.

“No, if… there _is_ something bothering me, but I’m not sure I can do anything about it.”

Carlos goes rigid, his body and eyes and hold on Kendall’s shoulder turning to stone. He looks so serious that he looks like a whole different person.

“You can always do something about it, Kendall. Don’t let this eat you alive.”

Kendall nods stupidly and then stays there, frozen, even as Carlos places the tub of ice cream and the spoon next to Kendall before he sprints away muttering about that canon ball in the pool.

-

Kendall had been planning on going to buy himself a pink smoothie, because when in doubt Kendall drowns himself in pink, sugary sweetness. But he stops short when he passes the doors leading to the pool.

Logan is there, sitting on one of the lawn chairs. There’s nothing really special about it, other than the way Kendall’s heart aches and trips and warms his whole body. Logan is just sitting there, doing something a lot harder than their assigned homework going by the way he’s clicking away at his calculator and scribbling furiously at a notebook, squinting at the glare of the sun but refusing to move, to focused to really mind it.

There’s nothing really special about it, except for how nothing special can make Kendall fall a little more in love.

-

“Mom.”

Kendall whispers as he peeks in at the main room of the apartment. He finds his mom, sitting at one side of the bed reading a book. She always does that, she never sits at the middle of the king sized bed, never sleeps as if she were only one person.

“Yes, Kendall?”

His mom looks up from her reading and she must see something in Kendall’s expression because she closes her book, takes off her glasses and pats the empty space beside her. Kendall is instantly crawling up the bed to make himself comfortable next to his mom as she places an arm around his shoulder and lets him rest his head on her neck.

In one small moment, his mom has managed to make Kendall feel infinitesimally better.

“… Mom.”

“What is it, sweetie?”

The gentle lull of his mom’s voice settles Kendall down, makes him take a deep breath and spill.

“I… I have a problem, a big one. And I know what I’m supposed to do now but I don’t want to do it. I can’t.”

Kendall knows that he’s skipping around, being vague and making it impossible for his mom to give him any kind of solid advice. But Kendall just needs to be reassured, of what he doesn’t know, he just wants to stay like this a little longer. To let his mom untie the knot that are his insides.

“Why not?”

His mom threads her fingers through Kendall’s short hair and he breathes in, keeps a rhythm and leans heavily on his mom.

“Because it can go both ways. It can either make me possibly the happiest person on earth or it can make it ten thousand times worse than it already is. It could ruin everything, mom, _everything._ ”

Just saying the words makes Kendall nauseas, makes him dizzy with nerves and anxiety, makes his breaths go shallow and his vision blurry. It makes him-

“Shhh. Kendall, breathe. Breathe.”

Kendall distantly feels his mom gather him in her arms and rock him back and forth. She’s telling him to breathe with her and Kendall follows shakily. They stay like that for some time, Kendall safely wrapped under his mom’s strong arms.

“Sorry,” Kendall mumbles.

“Don’t apologize.”

His mom’s stern voice reminds Kendall of all those nights he used to cry and shake wrapped in his mom’s arms when he was younger. Feeling like a failure because what kind of kid forgot how to breathe? What kind of kid started trembling and panicking and feel like _dying_? And his mom would always hold him and keep quiet, wait with him until his world slowed down.

“Does this problem have something to do with your panic attack?”

She speaks softly and hesitantly, her voice a gentle lull that makes Kendall whisper back.

“Yeah.”

“I think… I think you should tell him.”

She knows, of course she knows. When _doesn’t_ she know.                                           

“But what if he says no?”

What is Kendall supposed to do then? When Logan says he’s sorry but he just doesn’t feel the same way? When the band breaks up and they all go their separate ways and Kendall ends up alone and bleeding?

“Then you accept his decision and you move on. It will take time and it will feel like you’re world is crumbling but your friendship is forever. Remember that. And it’s an _if_ not a _when_.”

“How can you be so sure? How do you know that if I tell him and he says no we won’t stop being friends?”

Because sure, she’s his mom and she always knows, but Kendall doubts. It’s what he does, especially if it’s about this.

“Because I’m your mom, and I know you and I know him.”

Kendall huffs out a nervous laugh but before he can contradict his mom any further a loud crash followed by a shriek that doesn’t sound human echoes through the apartment. He moves, because that was probably James and Carlos and he needs to check on them. His mom takes his hand and smiles reassuringly at him.

“Sleep on it. Think about it and if you need to talk then I’m always here.”

“Thanks, mom.”

Kendall smiles back at her and kisses her in the cheek before stepping out of the room.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Whenever he looks back to all these quiet nights spent brooding like all the teenage stereotypes he hates hearing about… he’ll just blame it on the fame and money… and all those pink smoothies probably full of chemicals and shit.

Everything would be easier if Kendall could just fall into an easy slumber and stay there. Stay in this bed of his and never have to move again. Just stay here, staring up at his ceiling in the middle of the night without having to think.

It sounds stupid and petty and very teenager of him but it’s true. The way he’s feeling right now? It’s horrible. It’s the worst Kendall’s ever felt in his life. He just wants it to stop.

This isn’t just a crush, or lust, or confusion, or a phase. This is love. This is love so strong it hurts. This is love that has taken root right in the middle of Kendall’s heart and has slowly spread throughout his body, infecting his blood and poisoning his bones. It affects every single thing he does and says. This isn’t okay and this isn’t normal. This is the kind of love that’s shown in depressing indie movies that always ends with someone dying. Kendall never thought it be like this for him.

He could tell Logan. He could just say it and hope for the best. But there’s too much _but_ s in there. Ha. Butts.

But if Logan says no? Everything would hurt worse and it would get uncomfortable for everyone and things would start falling apart because nothing would be the same anymore. Kendall wouldn’t be the same anymore, burdened and drowned and changed by heartbreak.

Kendall’s scared that he’s too scared to “make the move”. He’s scared because it’s never been like this before. Kendall’s never been _too scared_ to do anything. It’s awful but _this_ has already changed him. He isn’t the same person he was before, carefree and happy and light. Now all he does is sit around with a dark cloud over his head. He wants to change back to how things were before. He’s just _scared_.

But if Logan says yes? Kendall doesn’t like to entertain that thought much, it makes him feel vulnerable and too young. Makes him feel like giggling and jumping around in his bed. Or, it used to. Now it makes his chest throb in warning, makes him quiver and want to back out. But what if? Would they just run into the sunset and laugh at the same time and kiss and hold each other and sing love songs together and actually _mean_ them? Because Kendall would like that. A lot.

Or Kendall could just not do anything. Like he’s been doing all this time. He could just stay in this state of constant pain and longing and confusion. But that means being stuck in what if’s and maybe’s and sleepless nights and messy feelings.

But what does Kendall know? But maybe nothing will happen, all this suspense could just fall flat. But how will this affect everyone else? _Too many but’s_.

Kendall’s never felt this conflicted, never worried about something so much without actually doing anything about it. He needs to decide, tonight. And he will. He’ll contemplate the pros and cons and come to a logical and safe decision.

Kendall just hates this feeling so much, hates this constant worry and nerves and wringing of his hands and stupid panic attacks. Kendall hates that something so supposedly innocent and pure can make Kendall feel so sad. Love isn’t supposed to be like this, this morbid and tragic. He won’t let it be like this, he won’t let it be something Kendall hates.

He loves Logan, with all his heart and soul and body and all that stuff. He loves Logan so much it makes him laugh at nothing and want to dance and it gives him butterflies and panic attacks. He loves Logan and he want to sing it, write stories about what he’s feeling, he wants to scream it at the top of his lungs and look like an idiot.

He loves Logan and he’ll let the world know. More importantly, he’ll let Logan know. He’ll do this like he’s done everything else in his life, he’ll charge in and say it and he won’ overthink it and he won’t hurt.

And maybe he won’t puke and pass out.

(This is so embarrassing. Kendall knows he’s overreacting and over exaggerating and making such a big fucking deal out of all of this. Whenever he looks back to all these quiet nights spent brooding like all the teenage stereotypes he hates hearing about… he’ll just blame it on the fame and money… and all those pink smoothies probably full of chemicals and shit.)


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So that’s that. Kendall will confess his feelings to Logan. He’ll take him somewhere private, and he’ll take his hand and he’ll look Logan in the eye and whisper the words. He’ll go all the way with this, he’ll make the effort. He won’t puke or pass out or shake or forget to breathe.
> 
> Yeah. Hopefully he won't pass out.

Right. Well, now that Kendall thinks about it, which was something he told himself he wouldn’t do, it all sounds pretty risky.

Confessing his undying love for his best friend.

Kendall is so stupid. Who does that? Who makes a life-altering decision in the middle of the night without having eaten anything and being half asleep? But… but he’ll stick to it, to his crazy last night ramblings. Because he felt _good,_ it felt good to be bold and brave again, to tell himself with a puffed out chest and a grin and steady hands that he’ll _do it_.

So that’s that. He won’t doubt it anymore, instead he’ll figure out a way to do it. Because he won’t overthink it, but it’s not like he’ll just comment on it over breakfast: ‘Hey pass the milk will you? Oh, and that panic attack? Yeah, I kind of love you so much it literally takes my breath away. The milk, please.’

Kendall will _confess_ his feelings to Logan. He’ll take him somewhere private, and he’ll take his hand and he’ll look Logan in the eye and whisper the words. He’ll go all the way with this, he’ll make the effort. He won’t puke or pass out or shake or forget to breathe.

So that’s the plan.

Now, to gather the courage.

-

Kendall stands in front of the mirror and takes a big gulp of breath. He squares his shoulders, steels himself.

“Kendall Knight, you are okay. Yeah, you’re fine. You are absolutely, one hundred percent, in all the sense of the word, _fine_.”

God, he is so stupid. He’s actually talking to himself in the mirror, he’s acting like _James_. But it seems to work for him, pumping himself up, which is kind of sad now that Kendall thinks about it because apparently James has to give himself confidence, instead of taking it form his best friends. Kendall makes a mental note to himself to remember to compliment James from time to time.

But, back to business.

“Kendall, you can do this. You can totally do this, _you’ve got this_. You’re going to do this and it’s going to be alright. Because you’re awesome. You’re Kendall fucking Knight, and you can do this.”

Somewhere in the middle of that inspiring little speech, the door to the room opens without Kendall noticing. It isn’t until he finishes talking and mumbles one more ‘yeah, you’re awesome’ to himself that he notices the extra light spilling into the room.

Kendall cringes and slowly turns around to face whoever it is. Slow claps, with dramatic pauses in between them, resounds through the room and Kendall rolls his eyes at James’s antics (never mind that he was just done following those same antics).

“Well, well, well.”

“James, shut up.”

“Oh, no! _Please_ don’t let me interrupt. Carry on! Don’t let my presence stop you from, what was it? Oh yeah, telling yourself in the mirror that you’re awesome.”

James laughs loudly. Kendall resists rolling his eyes again, and just gives James a bow before sitting down on his bed.

“What do you want?”

James chuckles some more before striding across the room and grabbing a polka dot bandana from his desk.

“Just came to get my bandanas.”

A strange silence settles between them. Strange because there’s no need for it, strange because James seems to be working himself up to something and James never thinks before he speaks. After a long pause, James talks.

“You _are_ awesome, you know? And everything _will_ be alright. He’s, um, he’s in his room right now. Alone, probably studying.”

Kendall is maybe gaping like an idiot, but he manages to close his mouth after a second. He stands up and nods at James, feeling a lot better now.

“Right, thanks.”

James gives him one more encouraging smile and walks out. Kendall stays there for a moment, then he looks at himself in the mirror, gives himself a thumbs up, and closes the door behind him.

-

Kendall reaches out and knocks with a slightly trembling hand on Logan’s room. Which is kind of stupid because it’s also Kendall’s room and he never knocks. No one ever knocks.

“Um, come in?”

Yeah. No one ever knocks.

Kendall peeks his head in, takes in the way Logan is slumped on his bed, books and stray papers and calculators and pens and pencils, surrounding him, like his own little makeshift fort. Takes everything in in one sweeping glance. Kendall hopes that after this, it won’t have to be quick glances anymore. That after this he can take his time watching and staring at Logan and not feel like he should be hiding.

“Sorry.”

Kendall stumbles inside and his face burns red when he sees Logan staring at him like something’s wrong. It’s not Kendall’s fault he’s being awkward and clumsy, he’s about to confess his love for this boy. He’s not going to be graceful about it. Duh.

“Hey.”

Logan looks at Kendall, a mixture of amusement and confusion present in the tilt of his eyebrows. Kendall just stands there, looking like an idiot.

“Hey, uh, can I sit down?”

“Yeah, dude, of course.”

Kendall smiles brokenly and tries to will his blush away. He moves to sit next to Logan but he’d squash the notebooks there and he doesn’t want to make Logan angry. He’s about to move them when he remembers that although it seems like a mess of papers, Logan has that mess meticulously organized. So Kendall opts for sitting on the far end of the bed, cautious of not disrupting anything.

When he looks up after placing a pencil that keeps rolling into the dip he makes on the bed to its rightful position, he catches Logan smiling at him, amused. Kendall smiles back and his face doesn’t feel frozen this time. Logan shakes his head at Kendall with a fond smile and Kendall can feel how his heart speeds up, melts and slows back down.

“Did you need something?”

Logan asks and Kendall steels himself. He can do this.

“Yeah, or well, I just need to tell you something.”

“What is it? Is something wrong?”

“No, nothing’s wrong. I, um…”

Kendall doesn’t look at Logan, Kendall looks anywhere else but at Logan and he doesn’t register the discomfort of his hands twining and wriggling together harshly causes.

“Kendall?”

“Yeah, just-just give me a minute.”

Kendall can do this. He just needs to breathe and calm down.

…

Nope. Nevermind. Kendall cannot in fact “do this”. Time to pack up his bags and retreat. Fuck, this was a huge mistake. Who told him this was a good idea? Idiots.

Kendall jumps a little when he sees that Logan is now right in front of him, kneeling and looking into his eyes, striking something deep inside Kendall. The pencil rolled over again. Kendall doesn’t dare move.

“Hey, man, it’s okay.”

But Kendall _has_ taken his time, a lot of time, _so much time_ , and he didn’t come here just to make a fool out of himself. He also came here to tell Logan how he feels and he’ll do just that, damn it.

“I, fuck.”

And he will, as soon as he catches his breath.

“Don’t talk, yet. Just breathe. It’s okay.”

Logan grabs Kendall by the shoulders and his touch grounds Kendall. He can do this.

“Listen. Listen, ok?”

Kendall sounds deadly serious even to himself, so it’s no surprise that Logan looks completely bewildered but Kendall holds his gaze until Logan nods. He wonders what kind of picture they’re painting. With Logan kneeling in front of Kendall, holding onto his shoulders in the still quiet of the room, both of them staring at each other, waiting for Kendall to spill.

Kendall takes one deep breath in. Holds it there. Let’s it out along with a bunch of rambled words mashed together, hoping that it makes enough sense for Logan to _understand._

“I like you, a lot. _A lot._ And not in a best friend kind of way. I like you in a romantic kind of way. I like you in a way that makes me think about kissing you and touching you and holding you.”

Kendall can see perfectly how Logan’s eyes widen and his mouth parts in surprise, can feel how Logan’s hands on his shoulder loose and tighten, like a nervous twitch. Kendall can see it perfectly because his eyes won’t look away and his everything is hypersensitive to Logan. Still, he pushes on. Might as well say it all while he still can.

“The panic attack? It was because sometimes I forget how to breathe when I’m around you and it feels like I’m _dying_ because I want to get closer and my whole body feels _desperate_ for- for _you_ and… I guess I broke that day.”

Logan hasn’t moved an inch, hasn’t even taken a single breath since Kendall started spewing his weirdly intense speech, and he can feel the start of humiliation and embarrassment bubbling up inside him. But that can wait. Right now, Kendall says the words that have been holding down his heart for a long time.

“I think I love you.”

And there it is.

Fuck, that felt good. It’s like Kendall was being slowly crushed into dust all this time and just now the weight has been lifted off and he can breathe a little easier again.

“Yeah. I think I love you, Logan.”

So he says it again, because with every second he feels lighter. He can feel his lips quirk into a smile and he feels like dancing and his heart is still skipping a beat but it feels _good_ this time.

(And maybe he’s getting ahead of himself, because Logan hasn’t said anything yet, hasn’t done anything and Kendall’s already acting as if Logan’s said ‘ _yes_ ’.)

“What?”

Christ, Logan looks so confused and so scared. Kendall remembers seeing that same face staring back at him from the mirror. He hates that he let so much time pass by and that he was so focused on himself that he failed to see how Logan felt. How Logan was feeling just as terrified and conflicted as Kendall.

He takes Logan’s face into his hands, cradles his head and rubs his cheeks with his thumbs. He wants Logan to _see_ how precious he is to Kendall, how he’s sorry for wasting so much time and for acting like such a coward. He leans in close and whispers, whispers because everything is so fragile right now, like a single word could break them and this. Whispers softly,

“I’m going to kiss you.”

It’s not a question but Kendall waits to feel Logan’s hands grip his shoulders tighten and to see Logan lick his lips. Kendall kisses Logan like does everything else when it comes to him, with shaking hands and a speeding heart and a crooked smile. He kisses Logan chastely and softly and it’s better than what he never dared dreaming about.

Because Logan kisses back.

His hands come up to grip Kendall’s neck and hair with such force and desperation that it turns the sweet kiss into something much stronger. Kendall let’s Logan bleed all his need into the kiss and does the same thing. Their grasp on each other turns almost painful and their mashing of lips turns wetter and dirtier. Kendall can hear the slick sounds they make echoing in the room and before things can move any further and quicker he breaks the kiss.

It pains him but they should take their time with this. Slowly and surely and sweetly because Kendall is sure that this isn’t something that burns bright and fades fast.

Their labored breathing harshly replaces the quiet of before. Logan is still kneeling but the little space there was between them before is now close to nothing. They’re still holding onto each other and there is so much tension in the room it’s a little bit ridiculous.

After a labored pause Kendall throws his head back and laughs loudly. He can feel Logan startle and break their hold, the tension form before dissolves quickly and makes room for Kendall’s raucous laughter. He quiets down to giggles and can hear Logan laughing with him, calling him an idiot.

“I’m sorry, it’s just that… I had been _scared shitless_ Logan. I couldn’t fucking _breathe_. It was so stupid. I was being such an idiot.”

Logan smiles one of those smiles that look like they hurt because they’re too big and buries his face in his hands, his nervous laughter being silenced by his palms.

“Ugh, shut up. I… me too…”

Kendall shakes his head and clenches his hands, Logan is being _adorable_ and Kendall can’t take it, it’s too much. He feels like one of their fans in their frenzy. He used to wonder how someone could be so excited for another person but he gets it now. Hard not to with someone like Logan.

He smiles and jumps up from the bed, grabs Logan and hauls him up. He ignores Logan’s yelp and drags him out of the room. Stands with a puffed out chest and Logan beside him, waits until everyone at the apartment turns to look at the slam of the door and then proudly and loudly announces that he just kissed Logan.

He feels so silly and lighthearted. And he laughs at the weird look Katie gives him and at Carlos who starts jumping around and singing about Kendall and Logan sitting in a tree, and at his mom’s fond smile and James’s exasperated head shake. He laughs at Logan’s blush and kisses him again.

Kendall laughs until everyone tells him to shut up and his stomach cramps and his cheeks burn. When he can’t laugh anymore, he kisses Logan and tells him he loves him again and again until James and Katie tell them to get a room and so he does.

He drags Logan to his room and lays with him in his bed and whispers to him everything he can and he holds Logan close and he lies about something getting stuck in his eye when he hears Logan whisper back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my god, ok, so it's done! Finally.  
> I'm honestly embarrassed at how fluffy and Disney I ended this story but you know what? Sometimes the characters deserve an over the top happy ending. (I was afraid I'd end up puking rainbows but I survived)  
> Anyways, hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did :)


End file.
